Things you have to be to be a Democrat or a Republican

Just in case you had a low opinion of American politics, allow this summary of the righteous Things you have to believe to be a republican "article" and its rebuttal to lower that opinion even more. I wish that this was satire.

Democrats think Republicans believe...	Republicans think Democrats believe...
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.	People who use drugs deserve compassion and understanding -- unless their drug of choice is tobacco.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.	Children can be exposed to years of violent and sexually-explicit imagery in popular culture with no ill effects, but an adult who is exposed to a racially insensitive remark is emotionally scarred for life.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.	Banning abortions will only drive them underground, but banning guns will make them disappear.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.	Teaching children about safe sex in school will make them sexually responsible, but teaching children about safe gun handling in school would make them violent killers.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.	The Enron accounting scandal is an indictment of free markets as such, but UNSCAM is no big deal.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.	An unemployment rate of 5.6% during the Clinton administration was unusually low, but an unemployment rate of 5.6% during the Bush administration is unusually high.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.	Successful government programs should be praised and publicized -- unless the program is welfare reform.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.	A work of art portraying Jesus submersed in urine is daring and avant garde, but a work of art portraying Mohammad submersed in urine would be bigoted and hateful.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.	George Bush invaded Iraq for the oil, but the many profiteers from the oil-for-food program opposed the war out of principle.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.	Janet Jackson's breast is protected by the First Amendment, but political advocacy ads are not.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.	Scientists and engineers can't build a safe nuclear reactor, but global warming activists can accurately predict the weather.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.	Education should be value-neutral, except for values like multiculturalism and environmentalism.
Government should limit itself to the power named in the Constitution, which includes censoring the Internet.	We need to move beyond 9/11, so we can get back to obsessing over Vietnam.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.	The Second Amendment does not protect the right to keep and bear arms, but the Fourteenth Amendment mandates race preferences.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.	Fetuses do not have rights, but animals do.
General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.	Parents should have a choice over whether their children are born, but not what school they attend.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.	American corporations outsourcing jobs to poor foreign workers is bad; taxing American corporations and sending money to foreign dictators who promise to give it to poor foreigners, but actually squirrel it away in Swiss bank accounts, is good.